I love it when Ebert and Roeper give a movie "two thumbs way up." It's great! They're not just talking in the black-and-white terms of "up" or "down" anymore; now the height of the thumb matters! I hope they expand on this. For example, maybe when the next Austin Powers movie comes out, Roeper will say, "I give it a thumbs way down, Roger. And I'm talking, like, I'm almost bending over to do it, too. My arm is fully extended downward, so the thumbs down is well below my waist. Almost to my kneecaps! This was just not a good movie." And Ebert chimes in, "Well I agree with you, Richard; this was not a good movie. In fact, I hated every minute of it, and I especially hate that "Shagadelic" and "Yeah baby" and Dr. Evil impressions are finally out of our popular culture, and what do we get? Another Austin Powers movie to bring them all back again. And this concept was bone-dry after the second movie. So, thumbs way down. But Richard, I'm crouching. I mean, this was bad. I've gotta say that the tip of my thumb is touching the ground; that's how 'way down' my thumb is. I'm hoping that there isn't an American Midlife Crisis, American Retirement, and American Funeral entry in the American Pie series*, otherwise I'd probably have to use my thumb to dig a hole in the ground."
"And there you have it, folks. Austin Powers Four: License To Overkill: two thumbs way down, and we mean far down. Join us next week when we examine Sean Penn's latest, which will surely have us raising our thumbs up so high that we'll be jumping up and down, as though trying to grab something that's just barely out of reach."
When I was on my way to work yesterday, I almost got rear-ended by a crazy-driving hearse. The fact that an accident didn't occur surely spared me from having no choice but to make several very hacky jokes about getting into an accident with a hearse. So I'm going to make several very hacky jokes about why a hearse was driving recklessly, instead. For example: I'm sure the passenger was just in a hurry! But seeeeriously foooolks! We finally came to a stoplight, and I ended up next to the hearse, so I looked over, and... IT HAD NO DRIVER! Seriously folks! Any pot smokers in the audience? Folks? Paris Hilton Donald Trump Martha Stewart American Idol GOODNIGHT!
A couple days ago, I remembered an idea I had at a totally inappropriate time [that is, several months from Halloween], wherein Melissa and I would give each other one Halloween present. And this present would be the creepiest thing each of us could possibly find that's available for sale somewhere. [The "available for sale somewhere" part is there so that you can be assured that we won't be giving each other, I don't know, severed pigs' hearts, or something as halloween presents. It's also there in order to commercialize Halloween just like Christmas!] Anyway, at the time I had this idea, I completely assumed that I'd forget about it when it actually got close to Halloween, but we're totally going to do it and it's totally going to be AWESOME. Also, did I get this idea from some Halloween episode of Roseanne? No matter!
Oh, and Sleeping Beauty by Stanley Burns is totally off-limits, in that it would end the whole enterprise before it even begins, in a hydrogen bomb-like explosion of You Will Never, Ever Top This For Creepiness. [Sleeping Beauty is a collection of Victorian photos of corpses. Because living people in Victorian-era photos don't look enough like corpses]. Stanley Burns has got to be the most devoted goth EVER. He would probably make an entire goth convention scream "THAT IS WAY TOO MACABRE, STAN." Sleeping Beauty is more goth than Bela Lugosi's actual corpse becoming re-animated, and singing "Bela Lugosi's Dead."
Anyway! Uh oh. This post is long. So now it's time to give you the secret of the asterisk [it was at the end of the first paragraph] which is: *Because you know how the first two movies were about pie?
Also, did you spot the reference to Real World 3 in this post? [That's rhetorical!]