1,398. The Back of a Box of Smart Start Cereal by W.K. Kellogg
This morning, I noticed many images of Sela Ward on the box of cereal I was about to open. Sela Ward's headshot on the side panel; a larger photo of Sela Ward lounging on a sofa with this look of...I don't know, "Let's be frank. But in an elegant way." [i.e. she was resting her chin on interlocked fingers]. There were also quotes about women's health printed in what was supposedly Sela Ward's handwriting. These quotes were in reference to womens' heart health. Something about supporting it, maybe? I mean, what else would it be? Sage medical advice from Dr. Ward? I don't know, but I do definitely support heart health for women. Yessir, definitely anti-heart attack when it comes to women. Anyway, this all led me to conclude for a second that I had accidentally bought a box of Special K when I went to the store last night, instead of the deliciously maple-y and brown sugar-y [but apparently also Sela Ward-y!] cereal I had intended on getting. [Because, man, Special K is the Lifetime Network of cereals.] My heart sank, until I actually poured a damn bowl, and all was well. [Special K would have been UNACCEPTABLE]. Anyway, oh my god, is that all I've got for this paragraph? This morning's breakfast? Oh! Did I mention that I've read WAY more books than you have so far this year?
Hoo boy, so I joined a gym here in Ballard. My gym plays music! The YMCA never did that! This means that I get to hear many hits from five years ago, and 80s music. For some reason, that is what music ends up being in every gym everywhere. How much can YOU bench to Santana and Rob Thomas' "Smooth?" Weirdly, though, every now and then, there's a total surprise song. Like "This Charming Man," which brazenly violates the rule that if you play a Smiths' song, it has to always be "How Soon is Now?" Also, "Raw Power!" Oh man, waaait a minute: I am realizing that these song titles take on THE CHEESIEST OF MEANINGS when played in a gym. Today, for example, I actually just started laughing when "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" came on. It was too much! A bunch of people lifting weights while a big guitar booms out and a singer says that you ain't seen nothing yet, I mean, obviously in terms of the muscles we're all building! But they're all like that! Check out the Raw Power that I am exhibiting while lifting! I sure am a charming man! A charming man who is also smooth! JESUS! Are all the songs chosen on the basis of possibly tying into personal improvement? I'm going to have to pay closer attention. That'd be quite an accomplishment of mix-making. And subliminal encouragement! And TOTAL HOKEYNESS!
Also: I think we should all come to an agreement to never use Brokeback Mountain's "I wish I knew how to quit you" line as a joke eeeever again. That's... it's not only jumped the shark, but it's jumped a shark that is jumping another shark that is jumping over shark-infested waters.