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I am OVERJOYED to report that Michael Jordan has come out of… - Death drives a white Honda Civic
famousmark
famousmark
I am OVERJOYED to report that Michael Jordan has come out of retirement! Again! Yes, THE Michael Jordan is now once again acting in commercials. This is fantastic! See, because, commercials featuring Michael Jordan are a very special brand of comedy. There's even a certain formula! Michael Jordan will usually show up at a surprising time within the commercial, OR even from surprising angles of your tv screen. Look! There he is popping in from the side as he eats a delicious Ballpark Frank. Whoopsie daisy! Now he's coming in upside down from the top of your screen!

Also, if there are other actors in the commercial along with Michael Jordan, you can be sure that they and Michael have a weirdly adversarial relationship. Although... not in a purely antagonistic sort of way, but it's as though they're just sort of competing with each other. For sport. In a way that's... kind of like.... [this next line requires nodding your head as you turn to give an understanding look to the person next to you, who's figured this out at the exact same time as you] what Michael Jordan does every day on the basketball court! Plus, Michael Jordan of-fucking-course always emerges victorious in these adversarial situations, and when he does, it leads to my ABSOLUTE favorite thing: The Michael Jordan look, which is a mixture of "What, Me Worry?", some garden-variety smugness, and "Well, I can't help myself, I'm Michael Jordan!" Yes, anything you can do, he can do better. And then he would enjoy the spoils of his victory.

For example, Michael Jordan in a Fruity Pebbles commercial would go like this: Barney plans an elaborate ruse to swindle Fred Flintstone out of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, and of course succeeds. HOWEVER, he would have also made the mistake of, I don't know, maybe standing on the lower end of a teeter-totter as he eats the cereal and chuckles at Fred Flinstone's 9,356th lament of "Baaahney, my Pebbles!" And there's a basketball hoop directly above the upper end of the teeter totter, so when Michael Jordan swoops in from out of nowhere to sink a trey from motherfucking DOWNTOWN, the ball lands on the upper end of the teeter totter, which sends Barney and bowl-of-cereal into the air. The bowl of cereal lands in Michael Jordan's hands. The camera would cut to Barney, who has landed in the basketball hoop, and back to Michael, who gives a Michael Jordan look, and then takes a bite of cereal. You better eat your Wheaties! Or Fruity Pebbles!

No, Michael Jordan and his commercial costars can never be on an even keel. You would never see a commercial featuring Jordan and several friends emerging from a limousine towards what appears to be a trendy nightclub in the midst of an incredibly suave night on the town. THAT is a situation for a Derek Jeter commercial. See, I'm not sure Michael Jordan even HAS friends to fill his limousine. It's lonely at the top. All that constant winning can get on other peoples' nerves, and that, I think, is the theme of Michael Jordan's COMEBACK commercial.

So it goes like this: Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are roommates. Kevin Bacon is a big fan of throwing things into receptacles basketball-shot style. As in, if he has to crumple up a piece of paper and throw it away, he's going to pretend the piece of paper is a basketball, and shoot it into the can. He's definitely never going to walk over to the garbage can and simply place it in. Wait a minute. No, he most certainly IS going to walk over to the garbage can and place it in, because EVERY SINGLE TIME he tries a shot, Michael Jordan emerges from out of nowhere [see: paragraph one, Michael Jordan Shows Up At Surprising Times/Angles] and REJECTS THE SHIT out of his shot. Because if there's one thing that Michael Jordan was best known for, it was his oppressive shot-blocking ability.

This continues, until finally, Kevin Bacon is alone. He looks eeeeverywhere for Michael Jordan, and Jordan is nowhere to be found. Probably in a limousine somewhere downtown with friends. So, the time is right, and Kevin Bacon attempts his shot. NO! Michael Jordan ISN'T in a limousine downtown with friends, remember? He swoops in from out of NOWHERE, and once again REJECTS Kevin Bacon. "BOOYAH, MOTHERFUCKER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? NOW IT'S SIX DEGREES OF ME, MICHAEL JORDAN!" No, he doesn't say that, but he does look at the camera for a Michael Jordan look! And allll is right with the world. Also, you should purchase Hanes brand underwear.

Although I love this commercial [which, I should point out, I've only seen once], I do wish that Michael Jordan was in fact nowhere to be found, so Kevin Bacon was free to make an unobstructed shot. And then he'd just miss it. It'd be poetic! Maybe they're saving that ending for when they film a commercial for Oh!Henry candybars.
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Comments
e_dub From: e_dub Date: March 23rd, 2007 09:19 am (UTC) (Link)
AWESOME. But it makes me sad that you don't post more. YOU should come out of retirement!
laleche From: laleche Date: March 23rd, 2007 02:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
seconded!
counterfeitfake From: counterfeitfake Date: March 23rd, 2007 04:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
Is that real??
famousmark From: famousmark Date: March 23rd, 2007 11:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
It truly, truly is. The only thing I regret is that I didn't hear any sound, because I saw it while I was doing the elliptical machine at the gym. I bet the background music was standard-issue "wacky shit is happening" sounds. Like, if Bobby McFerrin recorded the soundtrack for an episode of Seinfeld. Probably a lower-mid register synth sound bodoh boh beeeeyoooom [that last one is a note bending to sort of approximate a basketball-bouncing sound] and then a voice whipsering "cha-cha-cha" in kind of a funky rhythm.

Actually, I would like to revise my statement to say that the only thing I regret is that this commercial is for Hanes Underwear, and not a new sitcom starring Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon.
e_dub From: e_dub Date: March 24th, 2007 02:01 am (UTC) (Link)
You are DEAD-ON for the soundtrack for that commercial!! It's totally set to that kind of music! I tried a search for it on youtube with no success.

The new Hanes commercial stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and Her Boobs. Dude. I can't take my eyes off of them. I rage with jealously.
goldfischegirl From: goldfischegirl Date: March 23rd, 2007 07:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
brilliant.
you = success
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