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Man oh man alive! I was looking through the cereal aisle at the… - Death drives a white Honda Civic
famousmark
famousmark
Man oh man alive! I was looking through the cereal aisle at the grocery store for some granola bars that might have an outside chance of tasting good, and here is what I found: Nature Valley Granola Bars. Flavor: "Apple Crisp."

Now: DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, NATURE VALLEY! Have you TRULY done what I hope in my heart of hearts you have done, and fashioned the inarguably most wonderful part of apple crisp into a granola bar that is "best if used by Oct 2008?" [That's... kind of conceivable, right? Because granola and the "crisp" part of apple crisp are pretty much the SAME EXACT THING, only apple crisp is delicious.] Or is this some fantastical marketing in order to trick me into buying "apple cinnamon" granola bars, which everyone knows would be HORRIBLE, due to everything that is supposedly flavored as "apple cinnamon" having a completely identical and unacceptable flavor? Who likes Apple Cinnamon Cheerios? No one! That's why they don't sell them anymore! [Or do they not sell them because they've been found to cause cancer in lab rats? WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME!] How about Apple Cinnamon Quaker Oats? Blech!

No, "apple cinnamon" flavor probably comes from some sulfur-spewing factory deep in the bowels of Pittsburgh, where it's referred to by its industry name, "Apple Flavor #3." "Christ, Chuck, I'm exhausted," says one grizzled factory worker to his long-time co-worker/friend. "Never thought we'd fill that big Nature Valley order for AF3. What do they want with so much of that stuff anyway? They think some asshole's gonna buy granola bars with that flavor? Yuck... Ah, fuck it, though, let's go get a drink." And then they go to the same tavern that Robert DeNiro, John Cazale, and Christopher Walken went to in The Deer Hunter.

Point being: I am that asshole. Also, I accidentally typed "apple crips" an AMAZING amount of times. What a great title for an updated sequel to Disney's The Apple Dumpling Gang.

Lastly, I give you a link, as [I promise] the final reference in this post to apple crisp.
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Comments
From: (Anonymous) Date: June 5th, 2008 06:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Holy shit, Mark. This is fucking hysterical! I don't think I've read such a riveting review of mass-produced, grab-n-go, tide-you-over-till-you-can-get-another-piece-of-shit-no-good-meal-replacing "food bar."
You are a genius! By the way, I crapped in your lawn the other day. I don't know if you even have a lawn, but I found one, thought of you, and totally shat on it. Okay, maybe I didn't. Maybe I just ate an Apple Crisp granola bar and hallucinated!
Cheers,
David
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